February 21, 2022 - The Grief Journey

The emotions suddenly got pretty raw today, of all things while I was working in the yard late this afternoon.

The yard is my refuge, my safe place, my quiet zone, my therapy and suddenly this afternoon I think the Master Therapist, the Holy Spirit, wanted to do something in my heart…I wish He hadn’t chosen that particular time, but I am learning that I am not in control, even in my yard, which really belongs to Him.

I had a new shrub and a new tree that I was planting and about two weeks ago I bought 30 bags of cedar mulch, which I always use around my house, it is aromatic and a natural insect repellent, so they say. I had placed the bags around the house in the flower beds and hadn’t gotten around to spreading it, in part waiting for the new plants. If you knew Shari you know she was not one to work in the yard, she loved my work. Rarely did she ever have an opinion about what I planted and where, and rarely did she complain about how much money I spent on the yard. We loved our yard and she loved the aroma of the cedar mulch and couldn’t wait to be there as I opened the bags and emptied them. She did let me know if I was putting it down too thick or thin.

Who would have thought that cedar mulch would be a trigger???

Just to be open and honest I took a break and sat in my garage as I tearfully sorted out my emotions. I was reminded of something that I heard recently, wish I could remember who said it, it went like this, often we speak of a loved one who has been welcomed into Heaven and wishing we could have been the one taken and they the one left in this world. The application was made by the speaker that why would I want my loved one to be left here in this world hurting the way I hurt? As much as I miss Shari, I am thankful that she doesn’t have to endure the pain of this life and this world.

Yesterday, attending the celebration of life service for a longtime friend, one of the pastors speaking said, “God receives His servants into Heaven when His work for them is complete, He doesn’t take them away.” At least that’s the way I heard it.

I’m glad you weren’t here today to witness my meltdown, but thanks for reading about it and for your ongoing prayers and support for me and for so many others walking this same road. Now let’s see if I can see clearly enough to spread a little more mulch before it gets dark.

P.S. before anyone starts calling, texting or showing up at my door, I’m good, I’m eating a big bowl of chicken and dumplings and getting ready for some Tar Heel basketball!!! Go Heels!!!

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