June 27, 2022 - Moving Forward; Shifts, Guilt, and Change

Life is certainly different after the loss of a loved one, each day is different.

When your spouse dies, a part of you seems to die as well, but over time it feels like that part slowly begins to live again. Emotions are a crazy part of our being, like them or not, we all must deal with emotions, “feelings.” Some deal with them by stuffing them deep inside until one day they all come gushing out, others wear them on their sleeves and always seem to be up and down, and then there are those everywhere in between.

I have “felt different” in recent days. I can’t explain it, qualify it or quantify it. A friend, on their own grief journey, told me that they felt like things were “shifting” for them. That may be a great way to put what I’ve been feeling. The emotions are still there, I can go from feeling great to tears faster than a high-performance sports car can go from 0-60 mph. But I’m okay with it, because I know I’m not where I was last week, last month, or months ago.

There is a new emotion that tries to creep in from time to time, guilt. Yes, guilt!

When you find yourself dreaming again, planning for a future that doesn’t have the love of your life as a part of it. Guilt when you feel joy, peace, and a measure of contentment. Guilt when you discover you can laugh again, when you see beauty in the world again, vibrant colors instead of varying shades of gray. Guilt when you realize that you haven’t thought of your loved one and its lunchtime. Guilt that seeks to hold you back from continuing to live the life you are meant to live. That guilt has no place in my heart, I know Shari would want nothing more than for me to live life to the fullest and she remains my biggest cheerleader, she’s just cheering from Heaven now.

Change, life is constantly changing, whether I like it or not. In the last nine months, I have experienced and endured more change than I can recount. Change from the obvious to the subtle, change that the world can see, change that only I know about. Several weeks ago, a good friend stopped by the house, and as we talked, he looked around and said, “I like the changes you have made around your home; you’ve made it yours.” Things change, people change, and the world around us changes. Change can be hard, and beneficial at the same time. Healing is change, sometimes we become so comfortable with our “pain” that it can become our identity, I don’t want to be known by my “pain” so I embrace the change. God still has a plan and purpose for my life and for yours, I have a strong feeling that to fully embrace it, I will need to continue to face and embrace change.

This grief journey is a crazy ride, with more twists and turns, ups and downs than that vicious roller coaster my sons talked me into riding at Sea World. So, buckle up and hold on because getting off is not an option.

As always, with much love and appreciation for your prayers and support!!!

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